Sunday, January 25, 2004
Well I got the van back yesterday - runs well but needs an alignment and 2 new tires still....
Boys are doing well - Deven is enjoying bowling on Saturdays and is actually pretty good.... I took Dilen to bowl w/Deven after the school session was over and both boys had decent games if you ask me.... Dilen did 100 and 93 and Deven did 113 and 78 - not sure what Deven's games were w/school.... Of course we won't be doing that outing too often - it cost me $9 for 2 games each and Dilen's shoe rental... BUT overall it was a nice time....
E wanted the boys today for NINE hours and then was pissed off (could hear him in background) when I refused.... Sorry but you haven't seen them in almost a month and Deven has school tomorrow - if you have a bad visit at any point it's gonna throw him off for school in the am.... Plus sorry I just don't trust him to return the boys - I know it's probably a silly fear but right now I just don't trust him.... The court said I could have visits supervised on MY terms and sorry if you don't like that but it's my right.... E's mediator/friend SEEMED to understand and commented about starting out w/a visit to McD's etc and working our way up... But then never called back.... Not to mention I had said I wanna know where they are going, what they are gonna be doing and a number AND address.... Mediator had to call me back after talking w/E about giving me their address (they live together) - WTF is that??? Sorry but you aren't just gonna pick up my boys and disappear for nine hours.... In a way I feel bad cause I don't want to keep E and the boys from each other and Uncle Toby is down visiting too and I know the boys would love to see him but I have my rights... And sorry but you are barely calling once a week and suddenly call w/a day's notice that you want the boys ALL DAY?? *breathe, breathe*
Oh and the weekend topper?? We have 6++ inches of snow coming later tonight.... ARRGGGGGGGGGGG
Well better get ready to leave - we are running mom back to down to MD for the week and my relief should be here shortly.... Til next time.....
PS. I am not sure if my comments are working or not - they show up fine for me both here and at home.... anyway if they aren't working for you please feel free to drop me an email at devndilsmom@att.net
Boys are doing well - Deven is enjoying bowling on Saturdays and is actually pretty good.... I took Dilen to bowl w/Deven after the school session was over and both boys had decent games if you ask me.... Dilen did 100 and 93 and Deven did 113 and 78 - not sure what Deven's games were w/school.... Of course we won't be doing that outing too often - it cost me $9 for 2 games each and Dilen's shoe rental... BUT overall it was a nice time....
E wanted the boys today for NINE hours and then was pissed off (could hear him in background) when I refused.... Sorry but you haven't seen them in almost a month and Deven has school tomorrow - if you have a bad visit at any point it's gonna throw him off for school in the am.... Plus sorry I just don't trust him to return the boys - I know it's probably a silly fear but right now I just don't trust him.... The court said I could have visits supervised on MY terms and sorry if you don't like that but it's my right.... E's mediator/friend SEEMED to understand and commented about starting out w/a visit to McD's etc and working our way up... But then never called back.... Not to mention I had said I wanna know where they are going, what they are gonna be doing and a number AND address.... Mediator had to call me back after talking w/E about giving me their address (they live together) - WTF is that??? Sorry but you aren't just gonna pick up my boys and disappear for nine hours.... In a way I feel bad cause I don't want to keep E and the boys from each other and Uncle Toby is down visiting too and I know the boys would love to see him but I have my rights... And sorry but you are barely calling once a week and suddenly call w/a day's notice that you want the boys ALL DAY?? *breathe, breathe*
Oh and the weekend topper?? We have 6++ inches of snow coming later tonight.... ARRGGGGGGGGGGG
Well better get ready to leave - we are running mom back to down to MD for the week and my relief should be here shortly.... Til next time.....
PS. I am not sure if my comments are working or not - they show up fine for me both here and at home.... anyway if they aren't working for you please feel free to drop me an email at devndilsmom@att.net
Monday, January 19, 2004
This holiday weekend is a hard one for me.... this weekend last year isn't one of the most memorable ones and just thinking about it hurts... I did my best to keep busy but still my mind would wander and I would merely work a little harder on some meaningless task.... I sure thought by this time this year things would be alot different... I thought by now I would be pg or even holding a newborn but I guess it just wasn't meant to be.... Those are supposed to be comforting words but man they sting... Wasn't meant to be doesn't make it any easier to accept... I still want another baby - maybe 2 but of course that's not in the IMMEDIATE future... First I need to heal - something I thought I was well on the way to but when I really think about it I have merely begun to heal and to be honest as much as my marriage was dead, I haven't fully mourned it yet.... Of course I don't think I have fully mourned Emily Elizabeth either.... But I am slowly working thru it all - I have left little angels out here and there as I packed away the holiday items... Little reminders yet trinkets of comfort to protect us... Things fully hit me Friday when I took the boys for their check ups and the office manager at the doctors office asked me about the baby.... While I am able to talk and joke inside it still really hurts... I held the boys a little closer this weekend - cuddled more with my current "baby" and tried to just keep busy.... Baby steps....
I also started on a journey to improve ME - I have my PILATES for Dummies tapes and a new set of weights, exercise bands and an excerise ball (THANK YOU Mare for the KMart gift card and KMart for it's sale on exercise items!).... I will be journaling about my journey mostly to keep me on track - tomorrow I weigh myself and will start from there - I am using a little of Weight Watchers and a little of Dr Phil and a little plain, old common sense....
The van is still dead - won't be ready til sometime later this week - it's the head gasket from what they said..... THEN on top of bad news is that warranty only covers $50/hr and repair shop charges $65 - guess who pays the difference???? ARRRGGGGGG I will be calling the warranty co as soon as they open Monday (or with my luck Tues since Mon is a holiday!!) Something about that little bit of info and the fact that the repair shop needs payment in full from either me or the warranty company before they can release my van doesn't sit right - I mean shouldn't they just accept what the warranty company pays if they agree to accept the work via the warranty company?? And if the warranty company agrees to pay X amount BEFORE the work is started (they need approval to start the work) then that's guaranteed $$ for them so why wouldn't my deductible/co-pay be all I need to pay to get my vehicle??? Who knows..... I am gonna be asking those questions for sure....
Well I am gonna finish up my charts and such here and try to just veg for a bit - I am really getting tired of working nights - it was so hard for me to get motivated to come in tonight - 7 days out of here seems to fly by so fast anymore - then again I was very busy this past week with the house..... Til next time....
I also started on a journey to improve ME - I have my PILATES for Dummies tapes and a new set of weights, exercise bands and an excerise ball (THANK YOU Mare for the KMart gift card and KMart for it's sale on exercise items!).... I will be journaling about my journey mostly to keep me on track - tomorrow I weigh myself and will start from there - I am using a little of Weight Watchers and a little of Dr Phil and a little plain, old common sense....
The van is still dead - won't be ready til sometime later this week - it's the head gasket from what they said..... THEN on top of bad news is that warranty only covers $50/hr and repair shop charges $65 - guess who pays the difference???? ARRRGGGGGG I will be calling the warranty co as soon as they open Monday (or with my luck Tues since Mon is a holiday!!) Something about that little bit of info and the fact that the repair shop needs payment in full from either me or the warranty company before they can release my van doesn't sit right - I mean shouldn't they just accept what the warranty company pays if they agree to accept the work via the warranty company?? And if the warranty company agrees to pay X amount BEFORE the work is started (they need approval to start the work) then that's guaranteed $$ for them so why wouldn't my deductible/co-pay be all I need to pay to get my vehicle??? Who knows..... I am gonna be asking those questions for sure....
Well I am gonna finish up my charts and such here and try to just veg for a bit - I am really getting tired of working nights - it was so hard for me to get motivated to come in tonight - 7 days out of here seems to fly by so fast anymore - then again I was very busy this past week with the house..... Til next time....
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Ok is it just me??? Lately every time I log into a site I see the pages in a different way.... Today Blogger looks different then it used to just the other day or maybe it's my older OS here on the boys puter.... Dunno but as long as things work I am not complaining...
We have SNOW today - the boys are off of school and I am supposed to have a delayed opening but I have yet to see the plow come thru here or even into the parking lots next to our housing area..... Hey I am not complaining... I could use an extra day off... I helped with packing and moving at work yesterday since we are all being temporarily relocated in increments so they can lay new carpet and put up new pods for each of us.... The new furniture looks nice but I hate packing and moving - I did my desk area a while ago - easy to do since I am rarely in the day office so didn't have much unpacked from my last move.... Yesterday I helped pack up some empty desks and move supplies to a storage room....
The boys are overly energetic today with the snow day yet don't want to go outside to play.... The dog doesn't want to be outside long and the house is just overly noisey! *L* I guess I should go shower and dress and then attempt to shovel out the van since I just heard the plow going by..... there goes any hopes of getting out of work due to lack of plowing..... Til next time...
We have SNOW today - the boys are off of school and I am supposed to have a delayed opening but I have yet to see the plow come thru here or even into the parking lots next to our housing area..... Hey I am not complaining... I could use an extra day off... I helped with packing and moving at work yesterday since we are all being temporarily relocated in increments so they can lay new carpet and put up new pods for each of us.... The new furniture looks nice but I hate packing and moving - I did my desk area a while ago - easy to do since I am rarely in the day office so didn't have much unpacked from my last move.... Yesterday I helped pack up some empty desks and move supplies to a storage room....
The boys are overly energetic today with the snow day yet don't want to go outside to play.... The dog doesn't want to be outside long and the house is just overly noisey! *L* I guess I should go shower and dress and then attempt to shovel out the van since I just heard the plow going by..... there goes any hopes of getting out of work due to lack of plowing..... Til next time...
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
*SIGH*
Did you hear that huge sigh of relief??? I got the permanent restraining order without ANY problems whatsoever!!! I am sooo relieved.... E can not in ANY WAY contact ME about ANYTHING!!! Mr E is now officially a registered Domestic Violence Offender to include being in a national registry and fingerprinted!!! If he wants to see the children he must call a friend of mine or his friend must call me... AND it's MY choice to allow unsupervised or supervised visits with the kids... PLUS the court has ordered MANDATORY Substance Abuse Counceling for him with a follow-up court appearance to check on his progress... Things couldn't be better... I am feeling very relieved... The house is slowly coming along but DAMN it got cold last night.... went down to the teens and we are looking at 4-6 inches of snow tonight... BRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Waiting to hear about car -- not much else going on.... Better go gotta head home... Til next time...
Did you hear that huge sigh of relief??? I got the permanent restraining order without ANY problems whatsoever!!! I am sooo relieved.... E can not in ANY WAY contact ME about ANYTHING!!! Mr E is now officially a registered Domestic Violence Offender to include being in a national registry and fingerprinted!!! If he wants to see the children he must call a friend of mine or his friend must call me... AND it's MY choice to allow unsupervised or supervised visits with the kids... PLUS the court has ordered MANDATORY Substance Abuse Counceling for him with a follow-up court appearance to check on his progress... Things couldn't be better... I am feeling very relieved... The house is slowly coming along but DAMN it got cold last night.... went down to the teens and we are looking at 4-6 inches of snow tonight... BRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Waiting to hear about car -- not much else going on.... Better go gotta head home... Til next time...
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Well turns out it's not the battery which was my greatest fear - it looks like either the starter or starter cellnoid... *sigh* Repair shop can't help me til Monday - which figures right??? I have to be in court Monday morning at 8:30am to get the permanent restraining order against E.... My neighbor - the one that's been helping out so much around the house let me use his Jeep most of the day to get my errands run and get Deven to/from bowling... I am sooo greatful to these people and I just am not sure what to do to thank them... I sent over spagetti sauce w/garlic bread the day he did the flooring in the hall but I still wanna do something little to let them know how much I appreciate everything - any ideas??? So I got a new battery (now the guy that I bought it from did say someone got their monies worth from the old one so I probably needed one anyway) but once I got it in the car I still had the same problem... one click/VERY QUICK attempt of engine to turn and NOTHING.... Oh well - I have a warranty so hopefully the most it will cost is $150 total - just have to find that $$... BUT Deven had a wonderful time bowling this morning and even got a strike - I missed what his final scores were but he really enjoyed himself... Got a few errands ran, swapped out a circuit breaker the boys keep tripping - only to have it trip AGAIN!! Sooo might need to swap one more time for 30 instead of a 20 amp... And then the computer died... Man when it rains it POURS!!!!! BUT once I got to work and started talking to the ADP tech here on duty looks like it might not be that tragic - I will need to get a new hard drive for sure but it's minor problems overall - will just have to wait a few weeks - in the mean time I have the boys puter running with bare basics just to get online to check email, etc.... My GF w/the girls that the boys play with is loaning me her van for the week while mine gets fixed and I am gonna watch the girls a couple nights in exchange... I really am blessed with some wonderful friends - I know I will never repay all the kindness I have recieved but I plan on trying.... Not much else going on this weekend... it's frigid cold w/temps barely in the single digits but supposed to be slowly creeping upwards for the week to 30s -- only to have another cold snap AGAIN!!!! But things are fine otherwise... The county sheriff stopped by asking if we knew where E was so they could serve him the restraining order gave him the number of the friend he's supposed to be staying with.... Found out that even though the RO says parental rights/visitation as in the divorce but to be determined at final hearing I have a NO CONTACT order so he can't even call to talk to kids nor can he have a friend call for him.... Guess what he did this afternoon - had friend call and ask if he could talk to Deven... I told him according to the police no but hold on - I got Deven on phone, friend got E on phone - Deven listened for about 2 min if that - basically Deven said "uh huh" about 4 times and hung up... Asked him what Daddy said he said - "I don't know" and didn't want to talk about it... I am very tempted to ask for supervised visitation tomorrow... The boys have NOT asked about E this whole week plus... They have been in great spirits for the most part... Personally in my uneducated/knowledgeable, non-child psychologist mind that says VOLUMES about his relationship with the boys... I tried NOT to talk about E too much ESP not in a bad way - I am sure I have failed this task and made an occassional off hand comment but overall I am trying to be fair... I just don't know what to do.... I don't trust him to not poison Deven's mind and I have seen how he usually sets off/increases meltdowns/rages so I would almost rather NOT have him have the boys unsupervised, atleast right now... Of course he would find things to use against me if I went this route... I just don't know what to do... And it's all emotionally draining me.... I need to turn off my brain for now... Gonna finish my work here and try to get a little cap nap in since I didn't get much sleep today.... Til next time...
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Well the house is coming along nicely - I have been getting alot of little decorating/home improvement things finished - I'll be taking pictures sometime this week when I finish... Other then that things have been going pretty well.... It's FRIGGIN FREEZING here right now and if that wasn't bad enough the van wouldn't start last night because it's soo cold... this morning I am off to get a new battery..... Please let this be the only item I need - I also need to replace the thermostat while Deven is at bowling - today he starts a bowling program for 10 wks - we are both excited... Well I better go - my ride is ready to leave!!! Til next time...
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Man I am TIRED - it's been emotionally exhausting week plus for us... Even Deven is feeling the effects - he's been sleeping in a bit later then usual in the am and a little sluggish to get moving... BUT I got alot more done today - I managed to get the shrink wrap on all the windows except the kitchen, put up a new curtain the bedroom and my neighbor fixed the roof on the mudroom for me... I feel funny with him doing so much work for me but it's nice to know that my neighbors are willing to help me out so much....
We (ok Mom) took the tree down Sunday night... the kitchen looks so emtpy now yet so much more spacious... now I can put the shrink wrap on the windows to cut the breeze the windows sometimes allows thru.... We are slowly working on decorating and putting my home back together and it feels good!! The boys are doing very well with everything for the most part - they are helping keep their rooms straightened and they are really doing ok - I am actually a little surprised they haven't asked much about where Daddy is or when they will see him... I guess it speaks volumes for the lack of involvement he really did have with them...
The temps have finally dropped to normal for January so we are gonna be a bit housebound in the coming weeks but we have board games to keep us busy and I have my little tub of arts and crafts... Plus Deven starts bowling on Saturday and Dilen and I will be playing a game ourselves while Deven bowls w/his school... there is so much for us to look forward to I can't believe how upbeat the New Year really looks....
The CS worker called the preschool today and talked to the director - basically just asked if shots were up to date and if they had any concerns about me... Told the director there wasn't an open case - guess that's a good thing cause I am sure they would have told the school if there was... But again I really am being cautious about it all... Meanwhile I am enjoying the peace of the house and the CLEAN house! Now to work on ourselves - my goal is to lose a few pounds and get into better shape... maybe even quit smoking - cut back at a minimum.... Well one step at a time....
Ok I need to get a few more things done here and then maybe grab a nap - Til next time....
We (ok Mom) took the tree down Sunday night... the kitchen looks so emtpy now yet so much more spacious... now I can put the shrink wrap on the windows to cut the breeze the windows sometimes allows thru.... We are slowly working on decorating and putting my home back together and it feels good!! The boys are doing very well with everything for the most part - they are helping keep their rooms straightened and they are really doing ok - I am actually a little surprised they haven't asked much about where Daddy is or when they will see him... I guess it speaks volumes for the lack of involvement he really did have with them...
The temps have finally dropped to normal for January so we are gonna be a bit housebound in the coming weeks but we have board games to keep us busy and I have my little tub of arts and crafts... Plus Deven starts bowling on Saturday and Dilen and I will be playing a game ourselves while Deven bowls w/his school... there is so much for us to look forward to I can't believe how upbeat the New Year really looks....
The CS worker called the preschool today and talked to the director - basically just asked if shots were up to date and if they had any concerns about me... Told the director there wasn't an open case - guess that's a good thing cause I am sure they would have told the school if there was... But again I really am being cautious about it all... Meanwhile I am enjoying the peace of the house and the CLEAN house! Now to work on ourselves - my goal is to lose a few pounds and get into better shape... maybe even quit smoking - cut back at a minimum.... Well one step at a time....
Ok I need to get a few more things done here and then maybe grab a nap - Til next time....
Sunday, January 04, 2004
SOOOOO the house is till in order - WOO HOOO.... CS visit on Friday at 5 pm went very well.... The case worker is very nice - I really like her... She's honest, straight forward but still really nice AND realistic.... my house looked fine to her (cluttered but she's not gonna try to change me just make sure the kids have a safe/clean house to live in) - it's clean and just has to say this way - mainly she needs to be able to open a door and walk into a room, I must have running, hot water, flushing toilets, clean, fed children.... I was honest w/her - I am not the best housekeeper but my house is/was liveable other then E's rooms which are now completely cleaned and sanitized!! I really only needed to do normal things that had fallen behind like vaccuming, wiping down walls, putting away laundry and straightening up - the house wasn't that disgusting really - I am sure the pictures will look worse then it really was.... but atleast things are back under control again and E is gone which will make things easier to maintain... The neighbor came over and laid the flooring in hall for me, will run cable lines under house for me and do a few other little things here and there.... he's been very helpful.... AND he might be able to help me out w/the furnace... somewhere I found a place that will deliver it for about 550 but then it needs to be installed.... He thinks that between him and another neighbor that helped out yesterday they can do it... or do so much that the gas co would only have to do some minor adjustments on it for me... I am soooo happy... I have never really experience such community from the neighborhood before and while it's humbling and a little embarrassing it's nice to know that I DO have such people that care enough to want to help.... Mom is here, yesterday we had spagetti for dinner and since I couldn't do much else we sent each of the 2 guys home w/enough sauce to feed a family of 4 and a loaf of garlic bread... Tomorrow I will go get the restraining order since I was waiting for CS on Friday and didn't go.... I have to fax the case worker a copy if it when I get it... Most likely this will be the end of the things as far as them coming here constantly and checking on me - they will check with the schools to see if they have/had any concerns about the boys and such but other then that the case worker said she really doesn't think I will have to have weekly or monthly visits... AND I don't have to get rid of the dog - the case worker thought that was ridiculous that I would have to do that - soo we shall see about that - I am leaning towards it anyway but will take time to think it over... the boys DO love the dog and she is a good girl... But that's another thought for another day... Mom and I have a little list of decorating ideas and a ton of material so we are gonna be working thru that this week as well as finishing the hall floor and walls..... just little things and TG the boys go back to school tomorrow... However they have been great this past week - they really don't miss E and in fact seems lighter/happier w/o him here.... So we are all doing ok and much happier - the house is atleast a month ahead of the scrubbing schedule so I can relax a bit and enjoy just playing w/the boys.... So thank you all for praying for us... I am still waiting to talk to base commander but hopefully I will be ok - so just keep praying for us to keep us strong and I'll keep you all updated!!! {{HUGS}} Til next time...
Friday, January 02, 2004
Well the house is as complete as it's gonna get for today - I am about a month ahead of my original new year's plans of scrubbing everything down and only have a few little things left on MY list that I will work on next week... The boys are playing/fighting about as nicely as usual in their rooms... I am exhausted... I haven't gotten much sleep the past 2.5 days.... The restaining order is gonna have to wait til later this afternoon or Monday morning since CS is due here today and with my luck they will be at the door while I am sitting w/a 2 hr wait at the courthouse 1/2 hr away... I am gonna just relax now for the rest of the morning.... I'll update you more later.... Keep praying.... Til next time....
Thursday, January 01, 2004
*sigh* Breathe in, breathe out....
Sooo 2003 is done and gone and hopefully I have seen the last of the rotten luck I seem to have... Yesterday the hospital let E out - he has an appt for Monday about 20 miles away on Monday.... SOOO I figured I would be nice and let him come get his stuff, let him stay for 4 days (I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW but I was trying to be nice and was trying to consider the boys missing Daddy) anyway.... as soon as he got home he started drinking... and then he started getting a little nasty with me and I asked him to pack his stuff and leave... He refused to leave - gave me all sorts of hassles... SOOOOOO I called the MP desk... told them he was refusing to leave and would they please come remove him... NO PROBLEM!! They were very helpful on the phone and when they first got here... of course he gave them a slight hard time and then MADE SURE they walked thru house back to his pigsty (bedroom/bath he basically lived in) and saw the week's worth of cans/bottles, trash, disgusting bathroom, etc... and of course the boys rooms are disasters - Deven totally destroyed his room this week and Dilen's room is piled w/clean laundry I am in the process of folding, sorting, etc... SOOOO anyway - one of the cops felt my house was "unlivable" so he called children's services.... CS came about 2 hrs later.... walked thru house, looked at everything (I had started cleaning the bedroom and removed the trash, cans/bottles), brought a base dectective that took pics of EVERYTHING -- I was soooo scared.... I am worried that any of this could affect my job or my ability to live on base.... CS basically said my house was "filthy" and disgusting and I needed to clean it up immediately... But they could see the kids were loved and well cared for so they weren't taking them away but they will be back on Friday to check on me and will be coming in weekly... Of course they say they are just doing this to help me not hurt me but I just don't trust them.... I will admit my house is not the cleanest/neatest but I sure didn't think it was filthy and unlivable... I was asked all sorts of questions - like how long has the hall been "tore up" to replace the flooring and how long has the painting been going on (remember I started but never finished and E tore up the hall long before I was ready to lay down a new floor - plus he started painting the bedroom and did a half ass job) asked me how I could leave the boys with E at night when I worked if he drank so much, asked about the long ago past when E split my head open (LONG LONG story there too), asked me about the boys and school and how many days have they missed this year, etc, told me I had to get rid of the dog (just another burden I don't need right now - well I knew that and had plans already to find her a new home but I didn't need to be told that - personally I think part of the problem is that she is part PITBULL) asked why I didn't ask for help from this one or that one for some house repairs (ummm I didn't know I could) and one even suggested I should get rid of our only real form of entertainment - the cable... I just felt sooooo scared, terrified and under a microscope.... SOOOO I have my list of things I HAVE to accomplish by Friday - 1st being the pigsty E created which I did last night (up til 3 scrubbing) and Deven's room and the fridge for starters... Mom will be here about noon-ish, she's coming to stay indefinately to help me out.... I am going for a restraining order tomorrow to keep E away and perhaps even get supervised visitation IF he wants to see the boys... I wrote the wife of the housing commander w/a brief summary and told her I need to talk to her DH ASAP about all this cause I am concerned about being able to continue living on the base... It's all been such an emotionally exhausting experience so far and I am far from being finished..... But as friends have pointed out they are gonna see the progress I have made, they are gonna see I have started to improve/fix my life by getting rid of E and they are gonna see that I want to do/be better and things will be fine.... I can only pray that this will all happen.... So please please pray for me - I am not a bad mother, a bad housekeeper, a poor judgement of character, a bad choice/decision maker but a good mother -- I love my boys more then anything in the world and I will do anything for them so please pray that things work out well for me and I have the strength to carry on.... Well it's off to begin the rest of the list... And here's to a MUCH MUCH better 2004!!!!! Til next time...
Sooo 2003 is done and gone and hopefully I have seen the last of the rotten luck I seem to have... Yesterday the hospital let E out - he has an appt for Monday about 20 miles away on Monday.... SOOO I figured I would be nice and let him come get his stuff, let him stay for 4 days (I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW but I was trying to be nice and was trying to consider the boys missing Daddy) anyway.... as soon as he got home he started drinking... and then he started getting a little nasty with me and I asked him to pack his stuff and leave... He refused to leave - gave me all sorts of hassles... SOOOOOO I called the MP desk... told them he was refusing to leave and would they please come remove him... NO PROBLEM!! They were very helpful on the phone and when they first got here... of course he gave them a slight hard time and then MADE SURE they walked thru house back to his pigsty (bedroom/bath he basically lived in) and saw the week's worth of cans/bottles, trash, disgusting bathroom, etc... and of course the boys rooms are disasters - Deven totally destroyed his room this week and Dilen's room is piled w/clean laundry I am in the process of folding, sorting, etc... SOOOO anyway - one of the cops felt my house was "unlivable" so he called children's services.... CS came about 2 hrs later.... walked thru house, looked at everything (I had started cleaning the bedroom and removed the trash, cans/bottles), brought a base dectective that took pics of EVERYTHING -- I was soooo scared.... I am worried that any of this could affect my job or my ability to live on base.... CS basically said my house was "filthy" and disgusting and I needed to clean it up immediately... But they could see the kids were loved and well cared for so they weren't taking them away but they will be back on Friday to check on me and will be coming in weekly... Of course they say they are just doing this to help me not hurt me but I just don't trust them.... I will admit my house is not the cleanest/neatest but I sure didn't think it was filthy and unlivable... I was asked all sorts of questions - like how long has the hall been "tore up" to replace the flooring and how long has the painting been going on (remember I started but never finished and E tore up the hall long before I was ready to lay down a new floor - plus he started painting the bedroom and did a half ass job) asked me how I could leave the boys with E at night when I worked if he drank so much, asked about the long ago past when E split my head open (LONG LONG story there too), asked me about the boys and school and how many days have they missed this year, etc, told me I had to get rid of the dog (just another burden I don't need right now - well I knew that and had plans already to find her a new home but I didn't need to be told that - personally I think part of the problem is that she is part PITBULL) asked why I didn't ask for help from this one or that one for some house repairs (ummm I didn't know I could) and one even suggested I should get rid of our only real form of entertainment - the cable... I just felt sooooo scared, terrified and under a microscope.... SOOOO I have my list of things I HAVE to accomplish by Friday - 1st being the pigsty E created which I did last night (up til 3 scrubbing) and Deven's room and the fridge for starters... Mom will be here about noon-ish, she's coming to stay indefinately to help me out.... I am going for a restraining order tomorrow to keep E away and perhaps even get supervised visitation IF he wants to see the boys... I wrote the wife of the housing commander w/a brief summary and told her I need to talk to her DH ASAP about all this cause I am concerned about being able to continue living on the base... It's all been such an emotionally exhausting experience so far and I am far from being finished..... But as friends have pointed out they are gonna see the progress I have made, they are gonna see I have started to improve/fix my life by getting rid of E and they are gonna see that I want to do/be better and things will be fine.... I can only pray that this will all happen.... So please please pray for me - I am not a bad mother, a bad housekeeper, a poor judgement of character, a bad choice/decision maker but a good mother -- I love my boys more then anything in the world and I will do anything for them so please pray that things work out well for me and I have the strength to carry on.... Well it's off to begin the rest of the list... And here's to a MUCH MUCH better 2004!!!!! Til next time...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!
2004 just HAS to be better - today has been THE WORST day of my entire life.... I'll tell y'all about it more later but for now I have TONS of work to do before I go to bed..... Just please pray for me and the boys that 2004 is a much much better year.... {{HUGS}} to you all!!!
2004 just HAS to be better - today has been THE WORST day of my entire life.... I'll tell y'all about it more later but for now I have TONS of work to do before I go to bed..... Just please pray for me and the boys that 2004 is a much much better year.... {{HUGS}} to you all!!!
